Top 400 Steven Wright Quotes (2024 Update)
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401. “Very rarely do I talk off the top of my head on stage. I’m not an improv guy. I’m a writer-guy who presents what he’s written.”

— Steven Wright

402. “I didn’t want to be selling insurance at 40, wondering what would it have been like to do stand-up.”

— Steven Wright

403. “I can’t stop thinking like this.”

— Steven Wright

404. “One day a guy tried to rob me on the street, and I had no money. So I charged him.”

— Steven Wright

405. “I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wakeup letter.”

— Steven Wright

406. “Is it possible to be totally partial?”

— Steven Wright

407. “I took a baby shower.”

— Steven Wright

408. “You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That’s what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor.”

— Steven Wright

409. “Why are they called a-part-ments, when they’re all stuck together?”

— Steven Wright

410. “Nobody can really compare a relationship in which the victim is 15 years old to one where she’s 6. While both criminal, they’re very different circumstances.”

— Steven Wright

411. “Like other kids wanted to become firemen or astronauts, I wanted to make people laugh.”

— Steven Wright

412. “If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?”

— Steven Wright

413. “I’ve been doing comedy longer than I haven’t been doing comedy, as I was performing for three years before I even got on ‘The Tonight Show.’ There’s truly nothing like it; it’s intense and exhilarating, even though it looks so casual.”

— Steven Wright

414. “To the audience, it’s like I’m changing the subject every five seconds, but to me, my show’s almost like a 90-minute song that I know exactly. I wrote every note, and I know exactly where everything is.”

— Steven Wright

415. “I changed my headlights the other day. I put in strobe lights instead! Now when I drive at night, it looks like everyone else is standing still...”

— Steven Wright

416. “I always thought Johnny Carson was just brilliant, and I used to watch him and all the comics that would be on the show every night – and I’d dream about it being me.”

— Steven Wright

417. “I moved into an all-electric house. I forgot and left the porch light on all day. When I got home the front door wouldn’t open.”

— Steven Wright

418. “You know, the New Testament is pretty old. I think they should call them the Old Testament and the Most Recent Testament.”

— Steven Wright

419. “My act is an exaggeration of a part of me. I’m much more expressive off stage.”

— Steven Wright

420. “I’m used to seeing it, but it’s weird having an Academy Award. You usually only see one of them on the TV show when they give them out, so it’s kind of surreal to have one in your house.”

— Steven Wright

421. “I was always making my friends laugh, but I never wanted the attention of the whole classroom.”

— Steven Wright

422. “I was born. When I was 23 I started telling jokes. Then I started going on television and doing films. That’s still what I am doing. The end.”

— Steven Wright

423. “I like George Carlin’s jokes. I like his humor. He’s one of my heroes, and I like what he did with talking about everyday things.”

— Steven Wright

424. “If warm air rises, Heaven could be hotter than Hell.”

— Steven Wright

425. “When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?”

— Steven Wright

426. “I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and getting paid for it.”

— Steven Wright

427. “I didn’t tell any of my friends that I wanted to be a comedian, because I was superstitious. I thought if I told people, it wouldn’t happen. So I kept it all in my head for years and years.”

— Steven Wright

428. “I don’t go off and sit down and try to write material, because then it’s contrived and forced. I just live my life, and I see things in a word or a situation or a concept, and it will create a joke for me.”

— Steven Wright

429. “Is it weird in here, or is it just me?”

— Steven Wright

430. “It seems like we wake up and it’s a race until you get to bed. It gets to you after a while and you think, ‘What the hell am I doing?’”

— Steven Wright

431. “Don’t you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.”

— Steven Wright

432. “When I was ten, my pa told me never to talk to strangers. We haven’t spoken since.”

— Steven Wright

433. “So I figured I’d leave the area, because I had no ties there anyway except for this girl I was seeing. We had conflicting attitudes: I really wasn’t into meditating and she wasn’t really into being alive. I told her I knew when I was going to die because my birth certificate has an expiration date.”

— Steven Wright

434. “Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don’t get it.”

— Steven Wright

435. “I thought I would be a guy on the radio.”

— Steven Wright

436. “Only one in four jokes ever works, and I still can’t predict what people will laugh at.”

— Steven Wright