Top 200 Sarcastic Quotes (2024 Update)
Page 3 of 4

101. “Oh sorry, I was taking life seriously.”

— Bill Hicks

102. “The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.”

— Steven Wright

103. “A clear conscience is the sure sign of a bad memory.”

— Mark Twain

104. “If you want to get laid, go to college. If you want an education, go to the library.”

— Frank Zappa

105. “Write what you know. That should leave you with a lot of free time.”

— Howard Nemerov

106. “Free your mind and your ass will follow.”

— George Clinton

107. “Guess what? I have flaws. What are they? Oh I donno, I sing in the shower? Sometimes I spend too much time volunteering. Occasionally I’ll hit somebody with my car. So sue me – no, don’t sue me. That is opposite the point I’m trying to make.”

— Michael Scott

108. “Better never than late.”

— George Bernard Shaw

109. “Geography is just physics slowed down, with a couple of trees stuck in it.”

— Terry Pratchett

110. “I’m single because I was born that way.”

— Mae West

111. “In my house I’m the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.”

— Woody Allen

112. “Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.”

— Abraham Lincoln

113. “Save water. Shower with your girlfriend.”

— Anonymous

114. “I often quote myself. It adds spice to my conversation.”

— George Bernard Shaw

115. “I don’t need an Iron Man suit. I’m already a weapon of mass seduction.”

— Robert Downey Jr.

116. “Sarcastic people tend to be marshmallows underneath the armor.”

— Stephen King

117. “Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.”

— George Carlin

118. “Just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean they aren’t after you.”

— Joseph Heller

119. “I don’t know why we are here, but I’m pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves.”

— Ludwig Wittgenstein

120. “This wallpaper is dreadful, one of us will have to go.”

— Oscar Wilde

121. “I speak two languages, Body and English.”

— Mae West

122. “The most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and I’m here to help.”

— Ronald Reagan

123. “When a woman marries again, it is because she detested her first husband. When a man marries again, it is because he adored his first wife. Women try their luck; men risk theirs.”

— Oscar Wilde

124. “Make love, not war. Unless you’re Loki, in which case: do what you want.”

— Tom Hiddleston

125. “Socialism only works in two places: Heaven where they don’t need it and hell where they already have it.”

— Ronald Reagan

126. “If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.”

— George Carlin

127. “The difference between a democracy and a dictatorship is that in a democracy you vote first and take orders later; in a dictatorship you don’t have to waste your time voting.”

— Charles Bukowski

128. “If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.”

— Steven Wright

129. “Life’s hard, then you die.”

— Woody Allen

130. “Every year, many, many stupid people graduate from college. And if they can do it, so can you.”

— John Green

131. “I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back.”

— Fred Allen

132. “Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.”

— Steven Wright

133. “The planet isn’t going anywhere. We are.”

— George Carlin

134. “Do I really look like a guy with a plan?”

— Heath Ledger

135. “Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn’t mean the circus has left town.”

— George Carlin

136. “Don’t do your best, do my best.”

— Adam Carolla

137. “Of course I’m sane, when trees start talking to me, I don’t talk back.”

— Terry Pratchett

138. “He never chooses an opinion; he just wears whatever happens to be in style.”

— Leo Tolstoy

139. “If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff? ”

— George Carlin

140. “Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.”

— Groucho Marx

141. “I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”

— Steven Wright

142. “Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.”

— Groucho Marx

143. “Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.”

— Steven Wright

144. “Never put off till tomorrow what may be done day after tomorrow just as well.”

— Mark Twain

145. “Making a better tomorrow, tomorrow.”

— Stephen Colbert

146. “Quotes are for dumb people who can’t think of something intelligent to say on their own.”

— Bo Burnham

147. “Reality continues to ruin my life.”

— Bill Watterson

148. “Make crime pay. Become a lawyer.”

— Will Rogers

149. “The world doesn’t owe you anything. It was here first.”

— Mark Twain

150. “Patriotism is your conviction that this country is superior to all others because you were born in it.”

— George Bernard Shaw