Top 200 Sarcastic Quotes (2024 Update)
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151. “There is nothing so annoying as having two people talking when you’re busy interrupting.”

— Mark Twain

152. “Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?”

— George Carlin

153. “Multi-tasking is merely the opportunity to screw up more than one thing at a time.”

— Gary W. Keller

154. “We are never deceived; we deceive ourselves.”

— Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

155. “I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.”

— Winston Churchill

156. “Life is pain, highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something.”

— William Goldman

157. “I will always love the false image I had of you.”

— Ashleigh Brilliant

158. “It takes a long time to become a lawyer because you need three things – a bachelor’s degree, a law degree, and a desire to worship Satan.”

— Craig Ferguson

159. “That’s why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.”

— George Carlin

160. “The difference between screwing around and science is writing it down.”

— Adam Savage

161. “A lie is just a great story that someone ruined with the truth.”

— Barney Stinson

162. “They say all marriages are made in heaven, but so are thunder and lightning.”

— Clint Eastwood

163. “Democracy means simply the bludgeoning of the people by the people for the people.”

— Oscar Wilde

164. “Some of the worst mistakes in my life were haircuts.”

— Jim Morrison

165. “Those who are easily shocked should be shocked more often.”

— Mae West

166. “How can a woman be expected to be happy with a man who insists on treating her as if she were a perfectly normal human being.”

— Oscar Wilde

167. “I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”

— Rita Rudner

168. “When money talks, Nobody checks the grammar.”

— Anonymous

169. “We are now cruising at a level of two to the power of twenty-five thousand to one against and falling, and we will be restoring normality just as soon as we are sure what is normal anyway.”

— Douglas Adams

170. “I could dance with you until the cows come home. On second thought I’d rather dance with the cows until you come home.”

— Groucho Marx

171. “We have so much time and so little to do. Strike that, reverse it.”

— Roald Dahl

172. “Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.”

— George Bernard Shaw

173. “Don’t eat the yellow snow.”

— Frank Zappa

174. “Today is Valentine’s Day – or, as men like to call it, Extortion Day!”

— Jay Leno

175. “Suit up!”

— Barney Stinson

176. “The secret of a successful restaurant is sharp knives.”

— George Orwell

177. “The best things in life are free – and $19.95.”

— Billy Mays

178. “The reports of my death are greatly exaggerated.”

— Mark Twain

179. “Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself.”

— Mark Twain

180. “They say Rome wasn’t built in a day, but I wasn’t on that particular job.”

— Brian Clough

181. “If I had known what it would be like to have it all – I might have been willing to settle for less.”

— Lily Tomlin

182. “I don’t care what you say, so don’t even speak.”

— Lil Wayne

183. “Making others happy, through kindness of speech and sincerity of right advice, is a sign of true greatness. To hurt another soul by sarcastic words, looks, or suggestions, is despicable.”

— Paramahansa Yogananda

184. “One should never trust a woman who tells one her real age. A woman who would tell one that would tell one anything.”

— Oscar Wilde

185. “Second place is a nice title for the first loser.”

— Sarah J. Maas

186. “The United States is a nation of laws: badly written and randomly enforced.”

— Frank Zappa

187. “Be happy. It really annoys negative people.”

— Ricky Gervais

188. “I’m no model lady. A model’s just an imitation of the real thing.”

— Mae West

189. “43.7 per cent of all statistics are made up on the spot.”

— Steven Wright

190. “What if there were no hypothetical questions?”

— George Carlin

191. “Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is a little like expecting the bull not to attack you because you are a vegetarian.”

— Dennis Wholey

192. “Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand.”

— Kurt Vonnegut

193. “In old days books were written by men of letters and read by the public. Nowadays books are written by the public and read by nobody.”

— Oscar Wilde

194. “Shut Up and Play your Guitar.”

— Frank Zappa

195. “If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.”

— W. C. Fields

196. “Aspire to be the man you pretend to be when you’re trying to get laid.”

— Joe Rogan

197. “The one unforgivable sin is to be boring.”

— Christopher Hitchens

198. “Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body.”

— George Carlin

199. “The ships hung in the sky in much the same way that bricks don’t.”

— Douglas Adams

200. “I can do all things through spite, which strengthens me.”

— A.J. Sherwood