Top 200 Sarcastic Quotes (2024 Update)
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51. “If there’s anything more important than my ego around, I want it caught and shot now.”

— Douglas Adams

52. “Things just happen. What the hell.”

— Terry Pratchett

53. “To succeed in the world it is not enough to be stupid - one must also be well-mannered.”

— Voltaire

54. “Give a man a fire and he’s warm for a day, but set fire to him and he’s warm for the rest of his life.”

— Terry Pratchett

55. “Just because you’re offended, doesn’t mean you’re right.”

— Ricky Gervais

56. “I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done.”

— Steven Wright

57. “Without numerical fluency, in the part of life most of us inhabit, you are like a one-legged man in an ass-kicking contest.”

— Charlie Munger

58. “If I’m not back in 5 minutes, just wait longer.”

— Jim Carrey

59. “Would it save you a lot of time if I just gave up and went mad now?”

— Douglas Adams

60. “Patriotism is the virtue of the vicious.”

— Oscar Wilde

61. “People who see life as anything more than pure entertainment are missing the point.”

— George Carlin

62. “Death: Human beings make life so interesting. Do you know, that in a universe so full of wonders, they have managed to invent boredom.”

— Terry Pratchett

63. “I never said it would be easy, I only said it would be worth it.”

— Mae West

64. “Fate is like a strange, unpopular restaurant filled with odd little waiters who bring you things you never asked for and don’t always like.”

— Lemony Snicket

65. “I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by.”

— Douglas Adams

66. “Cocaine is God’s way of telling you you are making too much money.”

— Robin Williams

67. “The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.”

— George Bernard Shaw

68. “Creativity is great-but not in accounting.”

— Charles Scott

69. “Government is the Entertainment division of the military-industrial complex.”

— Frank Zappa

70. “Procrastinate now, don’t put it off.”

— Ellen DeGeneres

71. “When I’m good, I’m very good. But when I’m bad I’m better.”

— Mae West

72. “Anything worth doing is worth doing slowly.”

— Mae West

73. “Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.”

— Mark Twain

74. “Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.”

— Ronald Reagan

75. “You’re on earth. There’s no cure for that.”

— Samuel Beckett

76. “Part of the secret of success in life is to eat what you like and let the food fight it out inside.”

— Mark Twain

77. “My religion? Well, my dear, I am a Millionaire. That is my religion.”

— George Bernard Shaw

78. “Never argue with an idiot. They will only bring you down to their level and beat you with experience.”

— George Carlin

79. “History repeats itself, first as tragedy, second as farce.”

— Karl Marx

80. “My mind reels with sarcastic replies.”

— Charles M. Schulz

81. “What fresh hell is this?”

— Dorothy Parker

82. “If you can’t be a good example, then you’ll just have to be a horrible warning.”

— Catherine Aird

83. “Nothing is so permanent as a temporary government program.”

— Milton Friedman

84. “If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they’ll kill you.”

— Oscar Wilde

85. “You bought a Ferrari but you drive it like a Fiat.”

— Zlatan Ibrahimovic

86. “He knows nothing and thinks he knows everything. That points clearly to a political career.”

— George Bernard Shaw

87. “Developers have the attention spans of slightly moronic woodland creatures.”

— Linus Torvalds

88. “I’m a project manager, not a magician. Magicians have way cooler hats.”

— Merlin Mann

89. “Multi-tasking is the ability to screw everything up simultaneously.”

— Jeremy Clarkson

90. “To the people I forgot, you weren’t on my mind for some reason and you probably don’t deserve any thanks anyway.”

— Eminem

91. “I came here to chew bubble gum and kick ass. And I’m all out of bubble gum.”

— Roddy Piper

92. “Money can’t buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.”

— Spike Milligan

93. “It could be that the purpose of your life is only to serve as a warning to others.”

— Ashleigh Brilliant

94. “If you want a guarantee, buy a toaster.”

— Clint Eastwood

95. “If Microsoft ever does applications for Linux it means I’ve won.”

— Linus Torvalds

96. “If God exists, I hope he has a good excuse.”

— Woody Allen

97. “I intend to live forever. So far, so good.”

— Steven Wright

98. “Go on, prove me wrong. Destroy the fabric of the universe. See if I care.”

— Terry Pratchett

99. “You can’t fix stupid.”

— Ron White

100. “I’m fine, thanks for not asking.”

— Sarah Ockler