Top 120 Humor Quotes (2025 Update)
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101. “Make crime pay. Become a lawyer.”

— Will Rogers

102. “First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.”

— George Burns

103. “The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.”

— George Carlin

104. “Every normal man must be tempted, at times, to spit on his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.”

— H. L. Mencken

105. “They muddy the water, to make it seem deep.”

— Friedrich Nietzsche

106. “A serious and good philosophical work could be written consisting entirely of jokes.”

— Ludwig Wittgenstein

107. “You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?”

— Steven Wright

108. “Men are disturbed not by the things that happen, but by their opinion of the things that happen.”

— Epictetus

109. “One does not accumulate but eliminate. It is not daily increase but daily decrease. The height of cultivation always runs to simplicity.”

— Bruce Lee

110. “The status quo sucks.”

— George Carlin

111. “I don’t mean to sound bitter, cold, or cruel, but I am, so that’s how it comes out.”

— Bill Hicks

112. “Trying to define yourself is like trying to bite your own teeth.”

— Alan Watts

113. “When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street.”

— Steven Wright

114. “Turn your melodrama into a mellow drama.”

— Ram Dass

115. “So that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who knew neither victory nor defeat.”

— Theodore Roosevelt

116. “When I write, I feel like an armless, legless man with a crayon in his mouth.”

— Kurt Vonnegut

117. “Men, their rights, and nothing more; women, their rights, and nothing less.”

— Susan B. Anthony

118. “Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.”

— Robert Bloch

119. “Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal, a good cigar and a good woman – or a bad woman; it depends on how much happiness you can handle.”

— George Burns

120. “The habit of being happy enables one to be freed, or largely freed, from the domination of outward conditions.”

— Robert Louis Stevenson