Top 120 Humor Quotes (2024 Update)
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51. “I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”

— Steven Wright

52. “A father is someone who is proud to see you get your first car, but secretly wishes it had no keys.”

— Linda Poindexter

53. “Blessed are the cracked, for they let in the light.”

— Spike Milligan

54. “A sense of humour is the only divine quality of man.”

— Arthur Schopenhauer

55. “A good programmer is someone who always looks both ways before crossing a one-way street.”

— Doug Linder

56. “It has been said that politics is the second oldest profession. I have learned that it bears a striking resemblance to the first.”

— Ronald Reagan

57. “True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country.”

— Kurt Vonnegut

58. “Insanity is catching.”

— Terry Pratchett

59. “Deny your emotions and act like you have answers.”

— Bill Burr

60. “Don’t Panic.”

— Douglas Adams

61. “Let’s think the unthinkable, let’s do the undoable. Let us prepare to grapple with the ineffable itself, and see if we may not eff it after all.”

— Douglas Adams

62. “If you can laugh together, you can work together.”

— Robert Orben

63. “I try to take it one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once.”

— Ashleigh Brilliant

64. “Writing is easy. All you have to do is cross out the wrong words.”

— Mark Twain

65. “If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.”

— Mark Twain

66. “If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.”

— Steven Wright

67. “Give a man a fire and he’s warm for a day, but set fire to him and he’s warm for the rest of his life.”

— Terry Pratchett

68. “I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by.”

— Douglas Adams

69. “The trouble with being in the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.”

— Lily Tomlin

70. “In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.”

— Douglas Adams

71. “All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.”

— Charles M. Schulz

72. “Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself.”

— Mark Twain

73. “Part of the secret of success in life is to eat what you like and let the food fight it out inside.”

— Mark Twain

74. “A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.”

— George Carlin

75. “I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.”

— Steven Wright

76. “The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.”

— Steven Wright

77. “Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?”

— George Carlin

78. “Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been.”

— Mark Twain

79. “In every life we have some trouble, but when you worry you make it double. Don’t worry. Be happy.”

— Bobby McFerrin

80. “I took a test in Existentialism. I left all the answers blank and got 100.”

— Woody Allen

81. “So long, and thanks for all the fish.”

— Douglas Adams

82. “The problem with the world is that the intelligent people are full of doubts, while the stupid ones are full of confidence.”

— Charles Bukowski

83. “Do what you do best, and outsource the rest.”

— Peter F. Drucker

84. “Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.”

— Edward De Bono

85. “Of course I don’t look busy, I did it right the first time.”

— Scott Adams

86. “Nothing is stronger than habit.”

— Ovid

87. “The best ideas come as jokes. Make your thinking as funny as possible.”

— David Ogilvy

88. “Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.”

— Chris Rock

89. “Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.”

— Groucho Marx

90. “Procrastination is not the problem. It is the solution. Procrastinate now, don’t put it off.”

— Ellen DeGeneres

91. “Oh sorry, I was taking life seriously.”

— Bill Hicks

92. “If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.”

— Steven Wright

93. “When it is a question of money, everybody is of the same religion.”

— Voltaire

94. “If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be ‘meetings.’”

— Dave Barry

95. “Go on, prove me wrong. Destroy the fabric of the universe. See if I care.”

— Terry Pratchett

96. “Before you criticize a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you do criticize him, you’ll be a mile away and have his shoes.”

— Steve Martin

97. “I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forego their use.”

— Galileo Galilei

98. “Cocaine is God’s way of telling you you are making too much money.”

— Robin Williams

99. “Action without thought is mindlessness, and thought without action is hypocritical.”

— Ayn Rand

100. “A cigarette is a pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end and a fool at the other.”

— George Bernard Shaw