Top 200 Witty Quotes (2025 Update)
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51. “I don’t do drugs. I am drugs.”

— Salvador Dalí

52. “Everyone should have their mind blown once a day.”

— Neil deGrasse Tyson

53. “Think before you speak. Read before you think.”

— Fran Lebowitz

54. “Men marry because they are tired; women, because they are curious: both are disappointed.”

— Oscar Wilde

55. “To define is to limit.”

— Oscar Wilde

56. “Be bold and don’t worry about what people think. They don’t do it that often anyway.”

— Tim Ferriss

57. “A woman is like a tea bag; you never know how strong it is until it's in hot water.”

— Eleanor Roosevelt

58. “There’s no such thing as a free lunch.”

— Milton Friedman

59. “Give a man a fire and he’s warm for a day, but set fire to him and he’s warm for the rest of his life.”

— Terry Pratchett

60. “Intelligence is the ability to avoid doing work, yet getting the work done.”

— Linus Torvalds

61. “Trying to define yourself is like trying to bite your own teeth.”

— Alan Watts

62. “If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn't sit for a month.”

— Theodore Roosevelt

63. “My life is perfect even when it’s not.”

— Ellen DeGeneres

64. “Sometimes the questions are complicated and the answers are simple.”

— Dr. Seuss

65. “Time is a drug. Too much of it kills you.”

— Terry Pratchett

66. “Though this be madness, yet there is method in’t.”

— William Shakespeare

67. “Being a writer is a very peculiar sort of a job: it’s always you versus a blank sheet of paper (or a blank screen) and quite often the blank piece of paper wins.”

— Neil Gaiman

68. “If you want to fly with the eagles, don’t swim with the ducks!”

— T. Harv Eker

69. “Time is an illusion. Lunchtime doubly so.”

— Douglas Adams

70. “This wallpaper is dreadful, one of us will have to go.”

— Oscar Wilde

71. “We are all fools in love.”

— Jane Austen

72. “The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and a lightning bug.”

— Mark Twain

73. “When you borrow a man’s car, always return it with a tank of gas.”

— Charlie Munger

74. “I cannot give you a formula for success, but I can give you the formula for failure, which is: try to please everybody.”

— Herbert Bayard Swope

75. “Be the Mick Jagger of the Mailroom, the Warren Buffett of Bookkeeping and the Bono of stapler selling”

— Robin S. Sharma

76. “Do the right thing. It will gratify some people and astonish the rest.”

— Mark Twain

77. “In life, unlike chess, the game continues after checkmate.”

— Isaac Asimov

78. “The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds the most discoveries, is not “Eureka!” but ‘That’s funny...’”

— Isaac Asimov

79. “I have nothing to declare except my genius.”

— Oscar Wilde

80. “If a thing is worth doing, it is worth doing badly.”

— Gilbert K. Chesterton

81. “Motivation alone is not enough. If you have an idiot and you motivate him, now you have a motivated idiot.”

— Jim Rohn

82. “Youth is wasted on the young.”

— George Bernard Shaw

83. “There is time to go long, time to go short and time to go fishing.”

— Jesse Lauriston Livermore

84. “Computer science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes.”

— Edsger W. Dijkstra

85. “The person, be it gentleman or lady, who has not pleasure in a good novel, must be intolerably stupid.”

— Jane Austen

86. “If you’ve been playing poker for half an hour and you still don’t know who the patsy is, you’re the patsy.”

— Warren Buffett

87. “Half the world is composed of people who have something to say and can't, and the other half who have nothing to say and keep on saying it.”

— Robert Frost

88. “I’ve wrestled with alligators, I’ve tussled with a whale. I done handcuffed lightning and thrown thunder in jail. You know I’m bad. Just last week, I murdered a rock, injured a stone, hospitalized a brick. I’m so mean, I make medicine sick.”

— Muhammad Ali

89. “The problem with socialism is that you eventually run out of other people's money.”

— Margaret Thatcher

90. “The difference between us and a computer is that, the computer is blindingly stupid, but it is capable of being stupid many, many million times a second.”

— Douglas Adams

91. “Do you not know that a man is not dead while his name is still spoken?”

— Terry Pratchett

92. “Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong.”

— Oscar Wilde

93. “The best is the enemy of the good.”

— Voltaire

94. “Nothing someone says before the word ‘but’ really counts.”

— George R.R. Martin

95. “Being powerful is like being a lady. If you have to tell people you are, you aren't.”

— Margaret Thatcher

96. “Any customer can have a car painted any colour that he wants so long as it is black.”

— Henry Ford

97. “If you're explaining, you're losing.”

— Ronald Reagan

98. “The road to hell is paved with adverbs.”

— Stephen King

99. “Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.”

— Steven Wright

100. “I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back.”

— Fred Allen