Top 200 Funny Quotes (2024 Update)
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101. “Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.”

— Mark Twain

102. “We don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents.”

— Bob Ross

103. “A clear conscience is the sure sign of a bad memory.”

— Mark Twain

104. “I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.”

— Groucho Marx

105. “Almost everything will work again if you unplug it for a few minutes, including you.”

— Anne Lamott

106. “Excuses don’t burn calories.”

— Anonymous

107. “There is no ‘i’ in team but there is in win.”

— Michael Jordan

108. “It is remarkable how many things you can explode. I’m lucky I have all my fingers.”

— Elon Musk

109. “A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.”

— Phyllis Diller

110. “Nothing travels faster than the speed of light, with the possible exception of bad news, which obeys its own special laws.”

— Douglas Adams

111. “Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please.”

— Mark Twain

112. “In the beginning there was nothing, which exploded.”

— Terry Pratchett

113. “Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.”

— George Carlin

114. “Space is big. You just won’t believe how vastly, hugely, mind-bogglingly big it is. I mean, you may think it’s a long way down the road to the chemist’s, but that’s just peanuts to space.”

— Douglas Adams

115. “Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination.”

— Oscar Wilde

116. “Life is too short to learn German.”

— Richard Porson

117. “I would like to die on Mars. Just not on impact.”

— Elon Musk

118. “Nobody actually creates perfect code the first time around, except me. But there’s only one of me.”

— Linus Torvalds

119. “You're only given a little spark of madness. Don't lose it.”

— Robin Williams

120. “The art of medicine consists in amusing the patient while nature cures the disease.”

— Voltaire

121. “Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times.”

— Mark Twain

122. “Sweat is just fat crying.”

— Anonymous

123. “Life is more fun if you play games.”

— Roald Dahl

124. “If plan A doesn’t work, the alphabet has 25 more letters – 204 if you’re in Japan.”

— Claire Cook

125. “Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.”

— Rick Cook

126. “There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate.”

— Linda Grayson

127. “I have an ego the size of a small planet.”

— Linus Torvalds

128. “There’s nothing like deep breaths after laughing that hard. Nothing in the world like a sore stomach for the right reasons.”

— Stephen Chbosky

129. “Lead your life so you wouldn’t be ashamed to sell the family parrot to the town gossip. ”

— Will Rogers

130. “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.”

— Bert Lance

131. “There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory, which states that this has already happened.”

— Douglas Adams

132. “We are stuck with technology when what we really want is just stuff that works.”

— Douglas Adams

133. “Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”

— Miles Kington

134. “They don’t think it is like it is, but it is.”

— Oscar Gamble

135. “Life would be tragic if it weren’t funny.”

— Stephen Hawking

136. “There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.”

— W. Somerset Maugham

137. “Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood.”

— Bill Murray

138. “Better a witty fool, than a foolish wit.”

— William Shakespeare

139. “I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally. ”

— W. C. Fields

140. “Always do whatever’s next.”

— George Carlin

141. “All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure.”

— Mark Twain

142. “Today you are you! That is truer than true! There is no one alive who is you-er than you!”

— Dr. Seuss

143. “Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.”

— George Carlin

144. “Real stupidity beats artificial intelligence every time.”

— Terry Pratchett

145. “Confidence is what you have before you understand the problem.”

— Woody Allen

146. “Don’t take life too seriously.”

— RuPaul

147. “Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.”

— George Carlin

148. “Backups are for wimps. Real men upload their data to an FTP site and have everyone else mirror it.”

— Linus Torvalds

149. “The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”

— George Carlin

150. “Mondays are fine. It’s your life that sucks.”

— Ricky Gervais