Top 200 Funny Quotes (2024 Update)
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51. “Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”

— George Carlin

52. “Humans think they are smarter than dolphins because we build cars and buildings and start wars etc., and all that dolphins do is swim in the water, eat fish and play around. Dolphins believe that they are smarter for exactly the same reasons.”

— Douglas Adams

53. “If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.”

— Steven Wright

54. “I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don’t know the answer.”

— Douglas Adams

55. “Earth: mostly harmless.”

— Douglas Adams

56. “A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”

— Steve Martin

57. “Don't believe anything you read on the net. Except this. Well, including this, I suppose.”

— Douglas Adams

58. “A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.”

— Bob Hope

59. “In order to fly, all one must do is simply miss the ground.”

— Douglas Adams

60. “There is nothing so annoying as having two people talking when you’re busy interrupting.”

— Mark Twain

61. “Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.”

— George Carlin

62. “I’m not afraid of death; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.”

— Woody Allen

63. “Scientists have calculated that the chances of something so patently absurd actually existing are millions to one. But magicians have calculated that million-to-one chances crop up nine times out of ten.”

— Terry Pratchett

64. “Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There's no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere.”

— Groucho Marx

65. “Do I want to be feared or loved? That’s a good question. I want both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me.”

— Michael Scott

66. “I like big butts and I cannot lie.”

— Sir Mix-a-Lot

67. “You’ve got to be very careful if you don’t know where you are going, because you might not get there.”

— Yogi Berra

68. “You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?”

— Steven Wright

69. “I tell you, we are here on Earth to fart around, and don’t let anybody tell you different.”

— Kurt Vonnegut

70. “Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.”

— Steven Wright

71. “Do I need to be liked? Absolutely not. I like to be liked. I enjoy being liked. I have to be liked. But it’s not like a compulsive need to be liked. Like my need to be praised.”

— Michael Scott

72. “90% of the game is half mental.”

— Yogi Berra

73. “We are now cruising at a level of two to the power of twenty-five thousand to one against and falling, and we will be restoring normality just as soon as we are sure what is normal anyway.”

— Douglas Adams

74. “43.7 per cent of all statistics are made up on the spot.”

— Steven Wright

75. “Welcome to Lake Wobegon, where all the women are strong, all the men are good-looking, and all the children are above average.”

— Garrison Keillor

76. “If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be ‘meetings.’”

— Dave Barry

77. “Sometimes people deserve a high five, in the face, with a chair.”

— Anonymous

78. “The ships hung in the sky in much the same way that bricks don’t.”

— Douglas Adams

79. “I intend to live forever, or die trying.”

— Groucho Marx

80. “We demand rigidly defined areas of doubt and uncertainty!”

— Douglas Adams

81. “Everyone should occasionally break the law in some small and delightful way. It’s good for the hygiene of the brain.”

— Terry Pratchett

82. “Think left and think right and think low and think high. Oh, the thinks you can think up if only you try!”

— Dr. Seuss

83. “I was educated once – it took me years to get over it.”

— Mark Twain

84. “Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.”

— Groucho Marx

85. “Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.”

— George Carlin

86. “Everything can be made fun of. The most serious things are ripe for ridicule.”

— Jim Carrey

87. “One of the funny things about the stock market is that every time one person buys, another sells, and both think they are astute.”

— William Feather

88. “And will you succeed? Yes indeed, yes indeed! Ninety-eight and three-quarters percent guaranteed!”

— Dr. Seuss

89. “When you’re born into this world, you’re given a ticket to the freak show. If you’re born in America you get a front row seat.”

— George Carlin

90. “Even if you are on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.”

— Will Rogers

91. “If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.”

— Mark Twain

92. “A computer is like air conditioning – it becomes useless when you open Windows.”

— Linus Torvalds

93. “All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.”

— Charles M. Schulz

94. “I don’t want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.”

— Oscar Wilde

95. “If it’s your job to eat a frog, it’s best to do it first thing in the morning. And if it’s your job to eat two frogs, it’s best to eat the biggest one first.”

— Mark Twain

96. “Never argue with an idiot. They will only bring you down to their level and beat you with experience.”

— George Carlin

97. “As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.”

— John Lennon

98. “I have nothing to declare except my genius.”

— Oscar Wilde

99. “Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.”

— Lord Byron

100. “I never did a day's work in my life, it was all fun.”

— Thomas A. Edison