Top 200 Funny Quotes (2024 Update)
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151. “There’s no such thing as bad weather – only the wrong clothes.”

— Billy Connolly

152. “For fast-acting relief try slowing down.”

— Lily Tomlin

153. “With great power... comes great need to take a nap. Wake me up later.”

— Rick Riordan

154. “Sometimes I’ll start a sentence and I don’t know where it’s going. I just hope to find it somewhere along the way. Like an improv conversation. An improversation.”

— Michael Scott

155. “Mathematics may be defined as the subject in which we never know what we are talking about, nor whether what we are saying is true.”

— Bertrand Russell

156. “Making excuses burns zero calories per hour.”

— Anonymous

157. “If it were legal, I'd marry food. ”

— Niall Horan

158. “They say a little knowledge is a dangerous thing, but it’s not one half so bad as a lot of ignorance.”

— Terry Pratchett

159. “Just a few words on time management: forget all about it.”

— Tim Ferriss

160. “My grandfather rode a camel, my father rode a camel, I drive a Mercedes, my son drives a Land Rover, his son will drive a Land Rover, but his son will ride a camel.”

— Rashid bin Saeed Al Maktoum

161. “Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.”

— Chili Davis

162. “Dinosaurs are extinct today because they lacked opposable thumbs and the brainpower to build a space program.”

— Neil deGrasse Tyson

163. “I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living.”

— Dr. Seuss

164. “Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.”

— Elbert Hubbard

165. “People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.”

— A. A. Milne

166. “Religion is like a pair of shoes. Find one that fits for you, but don't make me wear your shoes.”

— George Carlin

167. “Sometimes I’ve believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast.”

— Lewis Carroll

168. “If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went.”

— Will Rogers

169. “How can a woman be expected to be happy with a man who insists on treating her as if she were a perfectly normal human being.”

— Oscar Wilde

170. “All I want to know is where I’m going to die, so I’ll never go there.”

— Charlie Munger

171. “Science is magic that works.”

— Kurt Vonnegut

172. “If you have enough book space, I don't want to talk to you.”

— Terry Pratchett

173. “I have spent most of my life worrying about things that have never happened.”

— Mark Twain

174. “Whenever someone calls me ugly I get super sad and hug them, because I know how tough life is for the visually impaired.”

— Will Ferrell

175. “If you obey all the rules you miss all the fun.”

— Katharine Hepburn

176. “When I get sad, I stop being sad and be awesome instead.”

— Barney Stinson

177. “It’s just a ride.”

— Bill Hicks

178. “The best ideas come as jokes. Make your thinking as funny as possible.”

— David Ogilvy

179. “Let us live so that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry.”

— Mark Twain

180. “It's never just a game when you're winning.”

— George Carlin

181. “Laziness is a programmer’s main virtue.”

— Larry Wall

182. “A marriage is always made up of two people who are prepared to swear that only the other one snores.”

— Terry Pratchett

183. “It’s like deja-vu, all over again.”

— Yogi Berra

184. “Life has become immeasurably better since I have been forced to stop taking it seriously.”

— Hunter S. Thompson

185. “Oh the places you’ll go! There is fun to be done!”

— Dr. Seuss

186. “The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.”

— George Carlin

187. “It’s tough to make predictions, especially about the future.”

— Yogi Berra

188. “Keep trying. Stay humble, Trust your instincts. Most importantly, act. When you come to a fork in the road, take it.”

— Yogi Berra

189. “If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff? ”

— George Carlin

190. “I can do all things through spite, which strengthens me.”

— A.J. Sherwood

191. “In the insurance business, there is no statute of limitation on stupidity.”

— Warren Buffett

192. “Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.”

— Edward De Bono

193. “Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.”

— Margaret Mead

194. “If you think you are too old to rock ’n roll, then you are.”

— Lemmy Kilmister

195. “That’s why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.”

— George Carlin

196. “The study of economy usually shows us that the best time for purchase was last year.”

— Woody Allen

197. “Travel far enough, you meet yourself.”

— David Mitchell

198. “This must be Thursday. I never could get the hang of Thursdays.”

— Douglas Adams

199. “My coach said I ran like a girl, I said if he could run a little faster he could too.”

— Mia Hamm

200. “When angry, count four. When very angry, swear.”

— Mark Twain