Top 200 Hilarious Quotes (2024 Update)
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101. “Nothing travels faster than the speed of light, with the possible exception of bad news, which obeys its own special laws.”

— Douglas Adams

102. “If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.”

— George Carlin

103. “Shadowhunters: Looking Better in Black Than the Widows of our Enemies Since 1234.”

— Cassandra Clare

104. “Don’t ask God to cure cancer and world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space and fixing the weather for your barbecue.”

— Richard Dawkins

105. “Democracy is all about not electing the wrong man-eating lizard.”

— Douglas Adams

106. “There are two things I really like to do: whoop ass and look good. I’m doing one of them right now and on Saturday night, I’m doing the other.”

— Conor McGregor

107. “It doesn’t matter what your name is!”

— Dwayne Johnson

108. “Is it true that if you don’t USE it you LOSE it?”

— Steve Carell

109. “I’m sorry, if you were right, I’d agree with you.”

— Robin Williams

110. “The highway of life is filled with flat squirrels that couldn’t make a decision.”

— John C. Maxwell

111. “Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.”

— George Carlin

112. “The dinosaurs became extinct because they didn’t have a space program.”

— Larry Niven

113. “Truth! Freedom! Justice! And a hard-boiled egg!”

— Terry Pratchett

114. “Science may never come up with a better office communication system than the coffee break.”

— Earl Wilson

115. “Work without fun is like peanut butter without jelly.”

— Jase Robertson

116. “Frazier’s got two chances. Slim, and none. And Slim just left town.”

— Muhammad Ali

117. “It takes 65 muscles to frown and 13 to make a smile. Why work overtime?”

— B. J. Palmer

118. “You can’t go to Windows Update and get a patch for stupidity.”

— Kevin Mitnick

119. “Two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I am not yet completely sure about the universe.”

— Albert Einstein

120. “It is a mistake to think you can solve any major problems just with potatoes.”

— Douglas Adams

121. “Football is a simple game. Twenty-two men chase a ball for 90 minutes and at the end, the Germans always win.”

— Gary Lineker

122. “Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.”

— Mark Twain

123. “Don’t stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.”

— George Burns

124. “Arsene Wenger asked me to have a trial with Arsenal when I was 17. I turned it down. Zlatan doesn’t do auditions.”

— Zlatan Ibrahimovic

125. “Don’t die until you’re dead.”

— Billy Connolly

126. “I’ll try anything once, twice if I like it, three times to make sure.”

— Mae West

127. “So be who you really are. Embrace who you are. Literally. Hug yourself. Accept who you are. Unless you’re a serial killer.”

— Ellen DeGeneres

128. “I spent half my money on gambling, alcohol and wild women. The other half I wasted.”

— W. C. Fields

129. “Capital Letters Were Always The Best Way Of Dealing With Things You Didn’t Have A Good Answer To.”

— Douglas Adams

130. “I may not be perfect, but parts of me are excellent.”

— Ashleigh Brilliant

131. “Confidence is 10 percent hard work and 90 percent delusion.”

— Tina Fey

132. “Let’s carpe the hell out of this diem.”

— Alexandra Bracken

133. “If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?”

— Steven Wright

134. “The difference between us and a computer is that, the computer is blindingly stupid, but it is capable of being stupid many, many million times a second.”

— Douglas Adams

135. “I’ve always wanted to be a giant space crab.”

— Gabe Newell

136. “If it weren’t for the last minute, nothing would get done.”

— Rita Mae Brown

137. “The Internet is the world’s largest library. It’s just that all the books are on the floor.”

— John Allen Paulos

138. “Jazz isn’t dead. It just smells funny.”

— Frank Zappa

139. “I do this real moron thing, and it’s called thinking. And apparently I’m not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.”

— George Carlin

140. “Those people who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.”

— Isaac Asimov

141. “When we talk to God, we’re praying. When God talks to us, we’re schizophrenic.”

— Jane Wagner

142. “Life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life. Get wasted all the time, and you’ll have the time of your life!”

— Billy Connolly

143. “We’ve all got weaknesses. Me, for instance. I’m tragically funny and good-looking.”

— Rick Riordan

144. “You can’t help getting older, but you don’t have to get old.”

— George Burns

145. “The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.”

— Mark Twain

146. “Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.”

— Douglas Adams

147. “I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”

— Steven Wright

148. “There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither works.”

— Will Rogers

149. “A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.”

— Bob Hope

150. “Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.”

— Mark Twain