Top 200 Hilarious Quotes (2025 Update)
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51. “If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.”

— W. C. Fields

52. “You can change your wife, your politics, your religion, but never, never can you change your favourite football team.”

— Eric Cantona

53. “A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age.”

— Robert Frost

54. “When you come to a fork in the road, take it.”

— Yogi Berra

55. “I thought yesterday was the first day of the rest of my life but it turns out today is.”

— Steve Martin

56. “I have heard there are troubles of more than one kind. Some come from ahead and some come from behind. But I’ve bought a big bat. I’m all ready you see. Now my troubles are going to have troubles with me!”

— Dr. Seuss

57. “As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind – every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.”

— John Glenn

58. “How do you know you’re having fun if there’s no one watching you have it?”

— Douglas Adams

59. “Flattery will get you everywhere.”

— Mae West

60. “I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.”

— Steven Wright

61. “Motivation alone is not enough. If you have an idiot and you motivate him, now you have a motivated idiot.”

— Jim Rohn

62. “Sometimes you gotta work a little, so you can ball a lot.”

— Aziz Ansari

63. “If you never did you should. These things are fun and fun is good.”

— Dr. Seuss

64. “An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets the more interested he is in her.”

— Agatha Christie

65. “People say it’s lonely at the top, but I sure like the view.”

— Charlie Sheen

66. “Comedy is acting out optimism.”

— Robin Williams

67. “If my doctor told me I had only six minutes to live, I wouldn’t brood. I’d type a little faster.”

— Isaac Asimov

68. “Laughter is the best medicine in the world.”

— Milton Berle

69. “I don’t have a fear of heights. I do, however, have a fear of falling from heights.”

— George Carlin

70. “So long, and thanks for all the fish.”

— Douglas Adams

71. “The fact that we live at the bottom of a deep gravity well, on the surface of a gas covered planet going around a nuclear fireball 90 million miles away and think this to be normal is obviously some indication of how skewed our perspective tends to be.”

— Douglas Adams

72. “Don’t take yourself so seriously. No one else does.”

— Regina Brett

73. “Learn to laugh at your problems, cause everybody else does.”

— Jared Leto

74. “There are no good girls gone wrong, just bad girls found out.”

— Mae West

75. “Time travel, by its very nature, was invented in all periods of history simultaneously.”

— Douglas Adams

76. “Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.”

— Steven Wright

77. “For your own safety, do not ever tell an astrophysicist, I hope all your stars are twinkling.”

— Neil deGrasse Tyson

78. “Laughter is the shortest distance between two people.”

— Victor Borge

79. “Who is this god person anyway?”

— Douglas Adams

80. “They say all marriages are made in heaven, but so are thunder and lightning.”

— Clint Eastwood

81. “A common mistake that people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools.”

— Douglas Adams

82. “You’re never too old for anything!”

— Betty White

83. “Hope for the Best. Expect the worst. Life is a play. We’re unrehearsed.”

— Mel Brooks

84. “I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.”

— Emo Philips

85. “Nietzsche famously said, ‘Whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.’ What he failed to stress is that it ALMOST kills you.”

— Conan O'Brien

86. “Anything invented after you’re thirty-five is against the natural order of things.”

— Douglas Adams

87. “For a moment he felt good about this. A moment or two later he felt bad about feeling good about it. Then he felt good about feeling bad about feeling good about it and satisfied, drove on into the night.”

— Douglas Adams

88. “We’re born naked, and the rest is drag.”

— RuPaul

89. “In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem.”

— George Carlin

90. “Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.”

— Mark Twain

91. “When I was in junior high school, the teacher voted me the student most likely to end up in the electric chair.”

— Sylvester Stallone

92. “If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?”

— George Carlin

93. “Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.”

— Charles M. Schulz

94. “To succeed in life, you need two things: ignorance and confidence.”

— Mark Twain

95. “I love inside jokes. I hope to be a part of one some day.”

— Michael Scott

96. “Just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean they aren’t out to get you.”

— Woody Allen

97. “Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”

— Miles Kington

98. “Too hot to handle, too cold to hold!”

— Randy Savage

99. “I have never made but one prayer to God, a very short one: ‘O Lord make my enemies ridiculous.’ And God granted it.”

— Voltaire

100. “There’s an old saying in Tennessee – I know it’s in Texas, probably in Tennessee – that says, fool me once, shame on – shame on you. Fool me – you can’t get fooled again.”

— George W. Bush