Top 200 Hilarious Quotes (2024 Update)
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151. “My first rule: I don’t believe anything the government tells me.”

— George Carlin

152. “If you don’t like the weather in Oklahoma, wait a minute and it’ll change.”

— Will Rogers

153. “If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?”

— Steven Wright

154. “I only go out to get me a fresh appetite for being alone.”

— Lord Byron

155. “If you even dream of beating me you’d better wake up and apologize.”

— Muhammad Ali

156. “Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.”

— Oscar Wilde

157. “On the other hand, you have different fingers.”

— Steven Wright

158. “The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.”

— Harlan Ellison

159. “I see myself as an intelligent, sensitive human, with the soul of a clown which forces me to blow it at the most important moments.”

— Jim Morrison

160. “Laughter is the best medicine, y’know, besides medicine.”

— Bo Burnham

161. “Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.”

— Timothy Leary

162. “The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with only a loaf of bread are three billion to one.”

— Erma Bombeck

163. “I intend to live forever. So far, so good.”

— Steven Wright

164. “People who say they don’t care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don’t care what people think.”

— George Carlin

165. “A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.”

— Gloria Steinem

166. “The trouble with practical jokes is that very often they get elected.”

— Will Rogers

167. “When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.”

— Will Rogers

168. “We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.”

— Phyllis Diller

169. “We made too many wrong mistakes.”

— Yogi Berra

170. “March 4th, the only day that is also a sentence.”

— John Green

171. “If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.”

— Woody Allen

172. “Do we have to know who’s gay and who’s straight? Can’t we just love everybody and judge them by the car they drive?”

— Ellen DeGeneres

173. “I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.”

— Charles Lamb

174. “First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.”

— Steve Martin

175. “Once you have a PhD, every meeting you go to becomes a doctor’s appointment.”

— Nick Offerman

176. “Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.”

— Robert Bloch

177. “When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.”

— Norm Crosby

178. “The ships hung in the sky in much the same way that bricks don’t.”

— Douglas Adams

179. “Thinking. This book contains some. Whether you try it at home is up to you.”

— Terry Pratchett

180. “By faithfully working eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.”

— Robert Frost

181. “I’m willing to admit that I may not always be right, but I am never wrong.”

— Samuel Goldwyn

182. “If you ask me anything I don’t know, I’m not going to answer.”

— Yogi Berra

183. “I have never been jealous. Not even when my dad finished fifth grade a year before I did.”

— Jeff Foxworthy

184. “Motivation is like taking a bath; if you stop doing it, you begin to stink!”

— Zig Ziglar

185. “I’m a godmother, that’s a great thing to be, a godmother. She calls me god for short, that’s cute, I taught her that.”

— Ellen DeGeneres

186. “Most women set out to try to change a man, and when they have changed him they do not like him.”

— Marlene Dietrich

187. “Remember to always be yourself. Unless you suck.”

— Joss Whedon

188. “People always ask me, ‘Were you funny as a child?’ Well, no, I was an accountant.”

— Ellen DeGeneres

189. “That woman speaks eighteen languages, and can’t say ‘No’ in any of them.”

— Dorothy Parker

190. “My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn’t pay the bill he gave me six months more.”

— Walter Matthau

191. “I never avoid something that challenges my guts and my heart. While I might occasionally puke my guts out, I have never puked my heart out.”

— Michael Scott

192. “The prettiest dresses are worn to be taken off.”

— Jean Cocteau

193. “When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.”

— Regina Brett

194. “The fact that there’s a Highway to Hell and only a Stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers. –.”

— Darynda Jones

195. “There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.”

— Chris Rock

196. “People say women shouldn’t have long hair over a certain age, but I’ve never done what everyone says.”

— Jane Seymour

197. “If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?”

— Milton Berle

198. “To some, it’s Hump Day. To us, it’s Wednesday getting its ass kicked and Thursday just asked Friday to switch places.”

— Dwayne Johnson

199. “Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.”

— Groucho Marx

200. “In the first place God made idiots. This was for practice. Then he made school boards.”

— Mark Twain